Poor DNC Chairman Tom Perez! More than 30 Democrats are convinced that they are “The One” who will finally free America from its long, dark night of jobs and prosperity in 2020. Perez has to figure out how to squeeze all of those candidates into a primary debate schedule. And you know how Democrats buckle under the pressure of real math!
At this point it’s starting to be easier to declare which Democrats are not running in 2020. One thing is for certain, though. Every candidate hate-hate-hates you and President Trump with the white-hot, seething hate-rage of 10,000 suns.
Fauxcahontas Warren is receiving a lot of sugar-coated coverage here in the early days of the interminable campaign season. She looks vaguely Hillary Clinton-like and allows Democrat viewers to get a continued dopamine rush from wondering, “What if an unlikable communist woman were president instead of Orange Man Bad?”
For those of us who thought that Warren’s cringes-and-seizures inducing DNA campaign commercial could never be outdone (guilty), boy were we in for a surprise! Welcome to Elizabeth Warren’s kitchen, where she set out to prove to Americans that she is just like the rest of us and not some cold, calculating globalist swamp creature.
“Behold, fellow earth people! I have Twittered you into my palatial estate just like all the Pokémon kids of the internet! Watch as I pour this beer juice into my mouth hole to prove that I am a real human like you! Gak! URRRH! Oh, look! The Elizabeth Warren spousal unit 2.0 has spontaneously entered my kitchen pod during this totally real, off-the-cuff look at my life as a strong woman. Would you like a bottle of this trailer park poison, uh… dear?”
Her husband, sounding truly befuddled because there is beer in his home for the first time ever: “Um…. Nooooo?”
Yikes! Wrong answer! You have to feel a bit sad for Elizabeth Warren’s browbeaten husband. He’s like Bill Clinton with all of the nagging spousal abuse behind the scenes and none of the skirt-chasing.
Fauxcahontas divorced the real Mr. Warren way back in 1978 and married her current husband in 1980… but kept her ex-husband’s name! Her current sad husband is an elitist legal historian at Harvard and yet Warren constantly dresses him up like a pet lumberjack every time she drags him in front of the cameras. If she wins the Democrat nomination in 2020, he’ll probably be on stage right next to her, dressed in a flannel shirt, hiking boots and blue jeans, and wondering where his life went so very wrong. Sad!
Joe Biden continues to top many of the polls for the Democrat challenger most likely to be offered up as a sacrificial lamb for the 2020 Trumpslide. Biden, who creeps out his Secret Service detail by constantly swimming in the nude, actually said of himself last week that he is the Democrat Party’s “best hope” of beating Donald Trump in 2020.
We couldn’t agree more, Joe! Please run. It would be the perfect opportunity for President Trump to talk about the $1.5 billion deal that Biden’s son inked with Communist China after flying over there on Air Force Two with his dad. Corruption much, Joe?
We’re also really excited that Bernie Sanders is planning to run again. Bernie is a double-edged sword for the Democrats. He’s a completely ineffectual candidate with insane policies on the one hand, but on the other… he’s hilarious. Comedian Larry David’s impersonation of Bernie is the only funny thing that’s happened on Saturday Night Live since the 1990s. The Democrat establishment really doesn’t want Bernie to run, because he will be a spoiler for the crowded field.
Are Bernie’s socialist policies crazy? Oh, you bet they are! But unlike every other Democrat running, Bernie actually has policies. Everybody else is running because they hate Trump and think that that is a platform. Liberals are so worried that Bernie will throw a monkey wrench into the 2020 works that Bernie’s own hometown newspaper just published an official editorial begging him not to run.
Bernie represents zero threat to Donald Trump, but he represents a major threat to all of the Democrats running – plus, he has a lot of campaign infrastructure still in place. Another bonus: Bernie’s going to be funnier than ever in the debates.
“I’m sick of hearing about your damn racial grievances, Kamala! What I want to talk about is my plan to give everyone a pony! A PONY!”
Meanwhile, British newspapers are pushing Michelle Obama to try to run. The Sun breathlessly reports that Michelle has “sky high” approval ratings because of her tour for her oddly transgender-sounding book, “Becoming.” The only person on the far left who doesn’t sound too enthused about the idea of her running is Michelle herself. Americans will have a LOT of deeply personal questions for you if you do decide to run.
Beto O’Rourke has mostly managed to stay out of the spotlight after his loss to Ted Cruz. Cory Booker, Kamala Harris and several others are also struggling to get anyone to pay attention to them.
Here’s a dead giveaway as to what everyone in the media really thinks about the 2020 election. The media is grooming Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to run in 2024. Hence, the “leaked” dancing video that surfaces on the internet right as she enters her first term in Congress, the 60 Minutes interview and nothing but deep, abiding affection from CNN. Unfortunately for CNN, Ocasio-Cortez won’t be old enough to run until 2024 (she turns 35 in October of 2024).
The Democrats know in those black, empty spaces inside of them where a human heart is supposed to go that none of their 2020 contenders stand a chance against President Trump. That’s not to say that we don’t still have a big job ahead of us to get him re-elected. We still have to out-vote all of the illegal aliens, dead people and magical “Broward ballots” South Florida produces every election in 2020. But based on the media’s wall-to-wall airbrushing of Occasional-Cortex, it looks like they’ve already given up on the Democrats’ current shallow bench.