Okay, Deep State, you’ve had more than a year of fun and games, but now it’s time to fess up. You’ve been looking for evidence of Russian collusion and we played along with this because of the sometimes-suicidal nature of conservatism, but now it’s time to lay all your cards on the table.
There’s no Russian collusion. There never was – at least, not from the Trump campaign, the Trump family or President Trump himself.
So, Deep State, that leaves us with only two options. Either there was a conspiracy involving about a half-dozen decision makers at the very tippy-top of the intelligence community, plus Hillary Clinton and Chief Throws-Like-a-Girl himself, OR you are all a bunch of idiots.
We also keep coming back to this one little point, which is that the Obama administration used the FBI to spy on the Trump campaign, based on unfounded allegations in Hillary’s Russian potty dossier. You know, the dossier which James Comey called “salacious and unverified” while under oath in front of Congress, but which he marked “TOTALLY TRUE” on the FISA warrant application to spy on the Trump campaign? Ring a bell?
And to all of you Democrats in Congress who are on the periphery of the Deep State, are you guys okay with the FBI spying on a campaign based on unfounded – one might even say “fictitious” – information?
We know that you don’t like playing by the new rules that you spent decades establishing, so you really might want to think this whole “It’s cool that the FBI spied on Donald Trump and every member of his family and campaign because it was for his own good” narrative. Especially when you see the dirty trick that we’re about to pull. Here goes.
**TOTALLY REAL DEMOCRAT CHINESE COLLUSION DOSSIER**
All 435 Democrats running for the US House of Representatives in November 2018 have been compromised by an unnamed Communist Chinese general. This unnamed general, who is totally real, has a videotape of all 435 Democrats running for office this fall which depicts the 435 Democrats engaging in unspeakable acts with a prostitute, a lawn chair, a live chicken and a tuning fork at the 1973 Burning Man Festival.
Because of the embarrassing and salacious nature of this videotape as blackmail material, this unnamed Chinese general, who is totally real, now has complete control of every Democrat running for the House.
In return for the totally real Chinese general’s silence, every Democrat is now colluding with the Communist Chinese government to undermine American democracy. Because this unverified and salacious information has been printed on the internet, right here where you are reading it, you can accept it as being the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
**END TOTALLY REAL DEMOCRAT CHINESE COLLUSION DOSSIER**
So, we ask you again, Democrats: Are you still okay with a presidential administration using the FBI to spy on a political campaign based on unverified hearsay?
If you’re thinking, “Hey, wait a minute! Something about that paragraph looks fishy!” then welcome to the club that all Trump supporters have been a part of for the past 18 months or so.
Here’s a fact: Hillary Clinton and the Debbie Wasserman-Schultz-run DNC paid Fusion GPS – an opposition research firm – to dig up dirt on President Trump. An oppo research firm is pretty much like a shady private investigation firm.
For those who are unaware, most private investigators are not nearly as cool as Tom Selleck. PI’s will continue making up conspiracy theories to string along their clients until the money runs out. That’s their stock-in-trade. That’s how Fusion GPS makes its money.
That oppo research dossier was then “leaked” to the FBI. And by leaked, we mean that Fusion GPS gave it to Sen. John McCain and he ran to the FBI with it because he is a crazy old man who hates President Trump.
The FBI then used the oppo research document as “evidence” in order to lie to the FISA court an obtain a warrant to spy on Carter Page and, under FISA rules, to spy on every single member of the Trump campaign including Donald Trump, all of his children and family members. Here’s your big chance, Deep State! This is the part where you can confess to being a bunch of idiots in order to partially redeem yourselves.
When most normal Americans hear the details of the Clinton-paid potty dossier, their BS radar immediately goes up. The whole thing – especially the potty portions of the dossier – sound like the falsest of fakery ever invented by a snake-oil salesman peddling a bottle of Miracle Tincture that will cure tuberculosis AND the gout.
It sounds like a flight of fancy that rivals Harry Potter flying around on a broom. John McCain has a built-in excuse for believing the fake Russian potty dossier because he has a brain tumor. What’s your excuse for believing it, Deep State? Are you genuinely stupid?
The other option, of course, is the criminal conspiracy option. That’s the way normal Americans are looking at this whole farce. Here’s why:
Buried in the heavily-redacted FISA memo that the DOJ finally allowed the American people to see, there’s a sentence that states that the FBI grabbed phone records and documents from the Trump campaign using “national security letters.”
These are secret warrants obtained under the Patriot Act. They don’t require a judge to sign them. Only two people in the federal government have the authority to sign them, and they are the FBI Director (James Comey at the time) and the CIA Director (John Brennan at the time).
So, we might only be aware of about 50 percent of the entire spying story at this point, considering the fact that we just learned about the national security letters after a freaking YEAR of Congress exercising its DOJ oversight duties.
Another fact that was revealed last weekend was that when President Trump fired James Comey for being a weird, incompetent and flaky failure as an FBI Director, someone immediately pitched Robert Mueller as Comey’s replacement. Trump instantly rejected Mueller for the job… and Mueller was appointed Special Counsel to investigate Trump the very next day.
Wouldn’t that be nice? Imagine that a company turns you down for a job and then you get carte blanche the very next day – and a salary – to investigate that company and turn its existence into hell on earth into perpetuity.
Mueller obviously jumped at the opportunity. Conflict of interest, much?
Last chance, Deep State. It was either a criminal conspiracy or you are all too incompetent and dumb to run America’s intelligence agencies. Which is it?
