DNC Convention Day 1: Wasserman-Schultz Accused of Assaulting a Climate Kid

Has the Joementum blasted your eyebrows off? Has the scent of the Kamalamania wafting on the winds of change caused your heart to burst? If that hasn’t happened yet, it will soon. Because the first-ever 2020 all-virtual online DNC National Convention is about to blow up the internet tubes!

We realize that you probably might not tune in along with tens of other people to see what happens in this virtual and literal Schiff-show, because the excitement is probably just too much to handle.

So, we’ll be covering the blow-by-blow highlights right here, and focusing on items that the mainstream professional media professionals of professionalism and media stuff might have missed. Such as Day 1 of this exciting convention, when Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-FL) was accused of assaulting a child in broad daylight on a Florida sidewalk.

What?!

I’ve been covering these boring and pointless Democrat conventions for almost three decades, so I can tell you that it is highly unusual for fisticuffs to break out on Day 1. Normally, everyone waits until they’re good and drunk on Day 2 before a drunk teacher’s union delegate punches a drunk postal workers’ union delegate in the nose, over some pointless argument about which commie should have been the real nominee instead of the actual nominee that was selected behind closed doors by the DNC board of directors.

But 2020 is so fired up due to Joementum and Kamalamania that Debbie Wasserman-Schultz decided to get the punching party started early!

 

Here’s what happened in the alleged Debbie Wasserman-Schultz assault on a child.

The alleged child victim, 16-year-old Martina Velazquez, was volunteering for the campaign of Wasserman-Schultz’s primary challenger, a climate kook Democrat named Jen Perelman. Velazquez was handing out palm cards to people on a Florida street. The palm cards describe how Debbie Wasserman-Schultz is not enough of a climate kook to satisfy the climate panic of Florida voters, so they should elect an even bigger climate kook to represent them like Jen Perelman.

When the kid saw a crazy-eyed, frizzy-haired dingbat walking down the sidewalk toward her, she must have thought, “Aha! This is obviously one of my brainwashed climate allies!”

But when the young and enthusiastic Martina Velazquez handed the palm card criticizing Debbie Wasserman-Schultz for her climate racism to the crazy-eyed, frizzy-haired woman, she suddenly realized that she had handed the card to… Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.

Oops.

According to child climate activist Martina Velazquez, and Jen Perelman who witnessed the whole thing, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz proceeded to shove the child “more than once” while screaming at her and calling her a liar.

Given the fact that the alleged victim is a brainwashed climate justice child and the accused child batterer is Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, I’m not sure how to weigh the results of this incident on an honesty scale.

But for the good of America… no… for the good of the CLIMATE, I would like to personally recommend that young Martina Velazquez immediately file a police report against Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. Misdemeanor battery, which fits the alleged crime described by Ms. Velazquez, carries up to a one-year prison sentence and a $1,000 fine under Florida law. Given that the alleged victim is also a 16-year-old child, there may also be aggravated sentencing guidelines that could apply.

So far, Martina Velazquez has only been milking the incident for likes on her Tik Tok channel. But if she really cares about the climate, I say:

PRESS CHARGES AGAINST DEBBIE WASSERMAN-SCHULTZ!

We can’t just have a climate racist walking around assaulting children in broad daylight on a Florida sidewalk like the incident alleged here. Think of the climate! What if Debbie Wasserman-Schultz slaps Greta in the face next, Ms. Velazquez? Do you really want that on your conscience? If the incident really happened as you described, Debbie Wasserman-Schultz should be punished under the full extent of Florida law for assaulting a child while that child was engaged in lawful protected political speech.

Please: Press charges against her. Do it for the climate!

Man, I love covering these Democrat conventions! It’s only Day 1 of Kamala-Palooza 2020 and we’re already off to a rip-roaring, raucous start. That’s pretty much the only interesting thing that has happened, as far as I know, because just like the rest of America, I didn’t tune in for any of the actual event. I was too busy watching the concurrent Trump rally!

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