Let’s Evaluate the Democrats’ 2020 Bench and Laugh Out Loud

President Trump just announced his second appointee to the US Supreme Court will be Judge Brett Kavanaugh. Someone should put the DNC on suicide watch.

The headline that blared across the top of the Drudge Report the day before this historic moment was, “One Last Run?!” with a picture of the Deep State’s hangover herself, Crooked Hillary.

Apparently, the Democrats are on their last legs due to all the winning, so they want to throw a Hail Mary by greasing up Hillary Clinton’s exoskeleton and dragging her back out into the sunlight again. Good luck with that. Speaking of 2020, the Democrats’ bench is looking a little… shallow, shall we say?

Republicans had it really good in 2016 with the crop of candidates that ran. They ranged from terrible (Jeb!, Lindsey and Kasich) to really good (Cruz, Paul) with a lot of in-betweens, and we lucked out by electing the greatest conservative president in history.

You’d think that Democrats would be pulling out the big guns for 2020, especially after the way they have taken a beating during the first year-and-a-half that President Trump has been in office. Eh… maybe not. Let’s take a closer look at their best offerings so far.

Alec Baldwin

Baldwin starred with Eddie Murphy in what was long considered to be the biggest box office flop of all time, The Adventures of Pluto Nash. So, of course, the Democrats would want Baldwin to run for president, because they are all about failing big.

Baldwin says he would “absolutely win” if he runs against Trump. His big downside in the eyes of the American people will always be that audio tape where Baldwin called his own daughter a rude, thoughtless pig.

Megyn Kelly might think that Trump has said worse about his opponents, but then again, Trump was always punching back against grownups instead of punching his own child right in the self-esteem.

Oprah

The fact that the Democrats have two celebrities on their 2020 bench reveals a big weakness: They don’t have anybody with enough name recognition to stand a chance. Oprah has said running for president would “kill her,” in typical Hollywood exaggeration.

Two other big factors say Oprah will dash the Dems’ hopes on the rocks of disappointment. First, look at the old interviews between Oprah and Mr. Trump. Oprah has some serious tingles running up her spine every time she talks to The Donald. She’s not going to run against “the one that got away.”

Second, Trump ran for office knowing that his family fortune is secure. Don Jr., Eric and Ivanka Trump will carry on the family business for years to come. If the childless Oprah runs for office, her money spigot will shut down immediately. Those luxury handbags aren’t going to pay for themselves!

Bad Touch Biden

Biden has wanted to be president for decades despite not having any qualifications. Plus, there’s the creepy hands-on approach to the underage daughters of congressmen and donors. Not to mention the fact that female Secret Service agents want to eat their guns every time Joe jumps in his pool naked to swim a few laps. (You’re welcome for that mental image, by the way.)

These are all pluses for Democrats, but Biden makes normal people cringe in a Harvey Weinstein sort of way. The media covered for Biden’s lack of intelligence admirably because they didn’t want him to make Obama look bad, but in all seriousness, Biden has an IQ that is so low that he gives Maxine Waters a run for her money.

Kamala Harris

When Stormy Daniels thinks you used to be a little slutty, you might want to reexamine your life choices and never run for president. Harris launched her political career not through merit, but through serving as San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown’s mistress. Ah, the heady days of the Clinton administration!

According to several Hollywood bloggers with inside knowledge, Willie used to drag his eager mistress Kamala to high-falutin’ orgies all over the Bay Area… and there are pictures and videos floating around out there that ensure that she will never rise above the position of US Senator. She’s a dead end on the Dems’ bench.

America’s Oldest Socialist

Bernie gets extra style points from Democrats because he may have matriculated with Karl Marx. Plus, an ardent Bernie Bro tried to assassinate Steve Scalise and other Republicans at a congressional baseball practice in 2017 – so Bernie has mad street cred with the Trump Derangement Syndrome crowd.

Bernie also drew some of the largest crowds in 2016 – way bigger than Crooked Hillary’s – thanks to college professors giving extra credit to students to skip class and go to Bernie’s rallies.

We’re thinking that Venezuelan socialism coupled with starvation is going to be a tough sell, however, when voters compare that to the whole Hey-we-have-jobs-food-and-toilet-paper-with-a-capitalist-in-the-White-House thing.

Cory Booker

Is this a real person? Who is this person? Wasn’t this the name of a character in one of those cruddy new Star Wars movies? We don’t think this is a real person.

Crooked Hillary

Reporters who just can’t quit Hillary are breathless right now because the Crooked Hillary super PAC has started sending out fundraising pitches once again. Will she? Won’t she? Short answer: She won’t. Here’s what’s really happening.

Hillary’s inner circle is filled with lifetime bureaucrats. These are people who have never worked a day in their lives in the private sector. They have shuffled around between political campaigns and the State Department and the Clinton Foundation and Obama administration paper-pushing placeholder jobs for their entire adult lives. Now they are mostly frozen out of the federal government under the Trump administration. The Clinton Foundation doesn’t have any more influence to peddle, so all that influence-peddling cash has dried up. They’re out of money. Huma Abedin isn’t going to keep rubbing Hillary’s huge, swollen feet for free!

So, Hillary Clinton’s super PAC can send out pleas for cash donations and all the Clinton cronies can join the staff of the super PAC as paid “consultants.” It’s a scam that Democrats run with super PACs all the time. Go back and look at all the breathless articles wondering whether Hillary will run. The media outlets are all citing each other as they wonder whether she’ll run.

“The Daily Mail reports that the New York Post heard that…” The one person who hasn’t said she’s running? That would be Crooked Hillary.

But she’s still more than happy to stamp her name on fundraising letters and keep suckering gullible Dems into handing over their cash. It’s a win-win for our side because the Democrats will have their hopes smashed once again when she doesn’t run – plus, she’s sucking money out of Democrats that they could have used in the midterm elections for real races.

That’s quite the 2020 bench you’ve got there, Democrats! Keep it up!