Before you think that this is another one of those, “This Is the Most Important Election EVER in History and You Must Vote” articles and stop reading, we promise it’s different this time.
Believe us, we understand the frustration that Americans went through with those doom-and-gloom articles of years past. Candidate A will ruin America unless you turn out to vote for Candidate B, who just so happens to be an ideological clone of Candidate A!
It really, really is different this time, though. This is not a “Choose between John McCain and B. Hussein Obama” scenario. The past two years under President Trump have been awesome. It’s like we woke up and we suddenly lived in America again. And if you don’t vote in November, you will be turning the country over to open borders technocrats, foreign invaders from 193 countries and the k-k-krazy kat ladies with their repressed memories of Brett Kavanaugh’s genitals that can only be regained through heavy FBI hypnosis sessions. Don’t do it. Don’t stay home on Election Day.
Let’s start in Honduras, shall we? A group of 160 rabble rousers were hanging around in that outhouse country the other day and decided, “Hey! We have a dream! A dream of being illegal aliens collecting welfare in America!” So, that initial group of 160 peasants with zero applicable work skills for a modern society decided they’d start a caravan and walk to the US-Mexico border. At last count, the group is up to 4,000.
After they walk or ride the trains through Guatemala and Mexico, kidnapping children along the way to bolster their chances of winning an Ivanka pass, maybe it will be up to a million-man march of aspiring illegal aliens! Sure, they have no job skills, many of them are career criminals and MS-13 members… but at least they can’t read!
If you’d like them to move into your neighborhood, then by all means, don’t vote in November. A Democrat-controlled Congress that impeaches President Trump will be happy to let the caravan move in and rename your state Guatahondexico.
How about New York? British media reported on a Muslim cab driver who chased an elderly Jewish man into the middle of the street, knocked him to the ground and proceeded to rain punches down on him. You’ll have to find the video of this crime on British media sites, because the American media never reports on Islamic hate crimes unless it’s by accident.
Another Jewish man ran up to the attacker and yelled at him. The Muslim cabbie, who was screaming “Allah!” over and over again as he pummeled the elderly Jewish man, proceeded to chase the second Jewish man down the street.
Democrats like to argue that immigrants are doing the jobs that lazy Americans just won’t do. We checked the Bureau of Labor Statistics, however, and could not find “Chasing Off the Jews” listed as a viable occupation.
To quote America’s second-worst president ever, we may never know the Muslim cabbie’s motive! Brooklyn police are calling it a “road rage” incident. A Democrat majority in Congress will gladly triple the number of Muslim immigrants into America for the next few years, just to spite us for voting for Donald Trump.
Let’s see what’s happening in Tulsa, Oklahoma next, shall we? A Somali “refugee” that Obama allowed into the country, named Abdulahi Yusus Guled, was strolling down the street the other morning.
You know, because he doesn’t have a job.
Abdulahi spotted a local American woman who sparked his fancy, so he decided to engage in an elaborate Somali courtship ritual. He exposed his genitals to the young lady, chased her down the street into a nearby parking lot and knocked her to the ground.
In Somalia, this courtship ritual is known as the “Full Kavanaugh, But with Actual Evidence and Witnesses.” Abdulahi then proceeded to try to consummate the ritual, until a local hero interrupted the courtship by kicking Abdulahi in the head (he has a huge bandage on his skull in his mug shot).
Some Nazis argue that we should not be importing belligerent, rape-prone and unemployable Somalis into red states, but those are people who don’t understand diversity. If you like your Somali refugee, you can keep your Somali refugee – and his entire village! – by not voting in November.
While all of us lazy Americans have been thinking racist thoughts about illegal aliens, Obama’s Dreamers have been hard at working Making America Super Great Again. The Dreamers – Those Amazing Kids! 19-year-old Abigail Contreras and 19-year-old Jesus Rodriguez were probably both valedictorians at their respective high schools. Unless they went to the same school and graduated the same year, in which case they were probably co-valedictorians. As we know, ALL Obama Dreamers were valedictorians. Or world chess champions. Or something.
Anyway, Abigail and Jesus are barely out of high school and they’re already running a transportation business where they are earning $4,700 for every trip between Piedra Negras, Mexico and Dallas, TX. We checked and Piedra Negras is the real name of a city, not just a name that Don Lemon of CNN likes to call Kanye West. Anyway, Abigail and Jesus’ business has something to do with something called “human smuggling,” according to the McLennon County Sheriff’s office in Texas.
Those Dreamers are so entrepreneurial! They’re like money-making machines compared to our own lazy American kids. No wonder we deserve to be replaced by them. If you want to see more Dreamers just like Abigail and Jesus succeed in America, it’s really easy: Just don’t vote in November!
Then, Mexican police officer Miguel Patron took a wrong turn somewhere. Fortunately, the sheriff’s deputies in Orange County, California were able to contact Officer Patron and let him know that he was about 80 miles outside of his jurisdiction. Then something weird happened.
As it turned out, Officer Patron’s van had a hidden compartment in it… and someone had stuffed 50 pounds of methamphetamine in there! Those practical jokers! This unfortunate incident was all Trump’s fault, because he doesn’t give California and Mexico enough money for good road signs. Officer Patron was obviously just lost.
If you want better road signs pointing the way into America from Mexico, then please: Don’t vote in November!