The sight of all those NASCAR drivers pushing their pal Bubba Wallace’s car to the starting line would have been inspiring, but the situation had deteriorated to a Jussie Smollett-inspired farce. Someone found a rope attached to a sliding door, and—gasp!—it was tied in a hangman’s noose.
So, with the madcap speed of a Mack Sennett Keystone Cops movie, a gaggle of FBI agents flooded the alleged crime scene. What they found was no hate crime, just a rope tied to a sliding door that had been there since last October.
“Whew!” sighed the NASCAR PR types. Dodged a bullet there. I mean, we did ban the Confederate flag because Bubba and his crowd of paranoid schizophrenics transfer their fears to inanimate objects that are just nostalgic artifacts of lost causes the Democrats want us all to forget.
“Darn!” cried the race-baiting poverty pimps. Thought we had a good one going there. Horrors. The noose is a symbol of virulent and violent racism that still exists in the United States—except the last lynching was in 1981 and the two KKK perp friends of Democrat Senator Robert Bird were caught. One was executed and the other got life.
Before the FBI sleuths were able to discover what should have been obvious—Guys! It was a pull rope; you need to install automatic door lifts–the mainstream goofs stepped in it again. Maybe if they whined enough, they could get the Black Lives Matter dopes to march. Well, probably not. NASCAR fans in Talledega, Alabama, don’t react well to violent rioters.
“Well, that’s a relief,” announced Bubba Wallace. He was so very glad when the FBI found no hate crime. But at least his whining got the Confederate flag taken away.
And, of course, there was the trite assertion by the NASCAR flak. NASCAR was really, really happy that there was no hate crime here: “We remain steadfast in our commitment to providing a welcoming and inclusive environment for all who love racing.”
Well, one exception might be the Daughters of the Confederacy and people who adorn their hot rods with Confederate flags. Those people are racists, and we hate them with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. They should all die, die, die.
The whole episode would have been funny, verging on a farce. It finally became farcical when that idiot of Tawana Brawley fake-rape fame, Al Sharpton piped in. No, said Weird Al. Sure, the public should be pleased that there was no hate crime here, but, you know, there are still unanswered questions:
There was a noose there; the FBI said so. So, even if whoever put it there didn’t know that Bubba Wallace was going to use that stall, why was a noose in the stall? Hmm. Very suspicious, and, you know, America is racist and guilty until proven innocent—and our standards of proof go way beyond common sense.
In other news, eleven days after NASCAR announced it would ban Confederate flags, someone hired an airplane to make a statement for free speech. The airplane trailed a large Confederate flag with the words “Defund NASCAR” as it flew over the speedway before the Sunday Geico 500.
So, the only thing missing from this completely ridiculous episode would have been if someone had dropped a bottle of Aunt Jemima syrup and a DVD of “Gone With the Wind” on the scene. Those are two more inanimate artifacts that trigger the likes of Al Sharpton to sanctimonious hissy fits.