Two really big, slow-motion cultural events happened over the Thanksgiving holiday weekend. Every Generation X boxing fan’s dream of seeing Mike Tyson and Roy Jones Jr. finally take each other on took place. And a doddering Joe Biden fell over in his own yard and had to be rushed to the hospital with some broken bones. Both events involved old guys past their primes who should have known better. But in terms of sheer entertainment, I have to give the edge to Joe Biden’s yard out of these two major events.
I say this having grown up in a household of major fight fans. My parents were huge fans of Muhammad Ali, way back when. I can remember household parties during my childhood when my folks invited friends and neighbors over to watch championship bouts. I fondly remember my grandmother jumping up off the couch after drinking a couple of beers one night and yelling, “Knock the son-of-a-b*tch out!” when Sugar Ray Leonard took on Roberto Duran, even though I can’t remember who won the fight. Good times.
Roy Jones Jr. was an astonishingly talented boxer during the height of his career. Mike Tyson in his prime was downright scary. His fists seemed to be made of concrete. While watching Tyson’s fights when I was a kid, everyone thought that there was a very real chance that he was going to kill someone in the ring.
True story: During the first Tyson-Holyfield bout, after Tyson had learned to be extra mean in prison, my college buddies and I pooled our couch change to watch the pay-per-view. During the second or third round, one of my friends said, “This could be it. Evander Holyfield could actually die right here.” We all pretty much felt the same way. Tyson was a legend, throwing punches that looked like they could literally kill a normal person.
When Holyfield knocked Tyson down the second time, neighbors called the cops on us with a noise complaint. The cops came inside to watch the post-fight highlights with us. It was the 1990s, and America was still an amazing place.
The Tyson-Jones charity bout over this past Thanksgiving weekend was… well, I have to say it even thought it pains me. It was a couple of past-their-prime tubbos shoving each other around the ring for eight rounds. Yeesh. A myocardial infarction was a more likely cause of death in that “fight,” rather than a hard-as-a-rock punch. It was all for charity, though, so God bless them both.
From all the boxing fans out there: We love you guys because you were amazing American champions years ago. Stay safe and, um… find a grill to peddle on TV or something. And maybe cut back on the Cheetohs.
But as for the now-legendary Biden vs. his own backyard bout… Whoa, Nellie! Now THAT was a fight!
According to the “official” story, Joe Biden was playing with one of his dogs in his backyard when he not-unexpectedly-for-his-age fell down and broke some bones in his foot. After his hospitalization, Biden will be wearing a goofy cast boot for several weeks or possibly months as he tries to recover.
That’s the official story, but the conspiracy theory about it is even better!
I just love a juicy conspiracy theory – the wilder, the better! I’m going to have to put together a “Best of 2020” retrospective sometime around Christmas, because this has been such a banner year for amazing, over-the-top conspiracy theories. Here’s the latest one about Joe Biden falling down and failing to get up:
Biden doesn’t trust Donald Trump, but he trusts his long-time Senate rival/ally Mitch McConnell. So, Biden went to his buddy Mitch McConnell’s house to try to broker a deal in secret. Biden knows that his fraudulent “victory” in the election won’t pass the smell test when it eventually ends up before the Supreme Court.
So, Biden made this offer to McConnell: He’ll concede the election if McConnell can secure a pardon from President Trump for all the Biden family members over their illegal financial pay-to-play scams in China, Ukraine and a half-dozen other countries.
But – according to the conspiracy theory – Cocaine Mitch the Murder Turtle refused and then had his henchmen break Joe Biden’s frail old leg for having the audacity to come to him for a favor.
Man, I love this country!
Whether the “official” story or the conspiracy theory is true, who knows? But I’m certain that it would have been a better use of my money to watch that than paying for the Holyfield-Tyson bout.